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Topics: Britain, Irish

Friday, 11 November 2005

image for Jamie Oliver & Brian O'Driscoll revealed to be same person
Brian O'Driscoll

A shocking new investigation has uncovered evidence that one of Britain's top TV chefs has been masquerading as the captain of the Irish Ruby Union team, the mercurial blonde bombshell, Brian O'Driscoll.

Irritating do-gooder Jamie Oliver, who makes a living by cooking with a cockney accent and winking in a nauseating fashion at the camera, was secretly filmed over the course of several months. In the film the over-exposed cook is shown talking with a fake Irish accent and training with British Lions squad, whilst pretending to his unsuspecting wife, known as ‘Mrs Oliver', that he was away in Italy making a documentary about food.

"The gall of the man is quite remarkable," said a member of the team responsible for the secret footage, "one minute he was a cooking a short-crust chicken and mushroom pie in his trendy restaurant, and the next he was cooking up a story to his missus about having to go to Tuscany in his camper van to do some filming. All lies! The poor woman didn't have a clue that he was really doing tackle practice with Clive Woodward."

However, the phenomenon of celebrities leading double lives is not without precedent. Six years ago England prop Jeff Probyn was revealed to be none other than Clarissa Dickson-Wright, one half of rotund telly duo ‘Two Fat Ladies'. And as recently as last year famed angry person Gordon Ramsay was claiming to have once been a world-class goalkeeper, although this has since been disproved.

Omnipresent Oliver's sporting ruse was very nearly uncovered though after he was injured during the infamous, but sadly non-fatal ‘spear-tackling' incident during the first test in New Zealand. An insider revealed:

"Jamie returned home with his shoulder in a sling but he told his wife he'd hurt himself frying some prawns. She must love him because she swallowed his fanciful story like it was one of his culinary creations."

The remaining members of the Irish rugby team are now thought to have been left ‘in a stew' by the stunt, which has robbed them of their star player and captain.

"Brian, sorry, Jamie was a great example to the rest of the lads," said mulleted hooker Shane Byrne, "we always thought it was strange - him being a great cook and all - but we never suspected he was anything other than a world class centre."

Mr Oliver was unavailable for comment last night although it's thought he'll be making pots of cash out of the whole affair by writing a book about it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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