Controversial plans to abolish allotment gardens, have just been announced in the Labour party manifesto for the next election.
"We shall close down all allotments and use the land to build luxury accommodation for asylum seekers." said Labour leader Ed Miliband.
"These allotments are just eyesores and would not be out of place in Soweto. Fresh fruit and vegetables are cheap enough to buy in the shops but these allotment gardeners are too tight to buy them. From now on they will have to dig deep in their pockets and support the economy. "
"The new luxury accommodation will be allocated on a points system. Needless to say, homeless UK citizens need not apply. The more needy you are the more points you will be allocated. For example, a single, unemployed, HIV positive male with a criminal record would be awarded 100 points. (Convictions for child abuse, rape, murder and drug dealing are worth an additional 25 bonus points each. )While at the other end of the scale a married couple with children, who are both in employment will be awarded nil points. It would be pointless housing them anyway, as they will be repatriated at the earliest opportunity."
"These changes are necessary if we are to encourage more asylum seekers to come to the UK. Just like Blair and Brown before me , I shall continue to waste the UK taxpayer's money on people who don't deserve it."