Written by Captain Dopey
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Topics: David Cameron, Hair

Wednesday, 9 November 2005

image for Tory Leadership Challenger's Hair Fake Says Expert
A Fairly Windy Day in London Last Week

The hair which has famously propelled Conservative Party leadership contender David Cameron to such prominence in recent weeks was yesterday claimed to be "mostly fake" by a leading expert in the field.

Dr. AJ.G. Schaerbrokken, a Senior Researcher at the European Centre for Follicular Studies at The University of Utrecht, The Netherlands, claims that samples of hair provided to him anonymously, allegedly taken from a comb used by Mr. Cameron at a "party" in Notting Hill, London in 1997 show that the hair at that time appeared to consist predominantly of a mix of granulated formica, fine spun polyethylene, "Fix and Finish" (a popular wall plaster) and pubic hair from a rare type of Mongolian Yak found only at high altitude at night.

"My belief, based upon biochemical and x-ray diffraction and spectroscopic analyses, (raved Dr. Schaerbrokken from his small but secure residence at a government institution in the North of The Netherlands), is that Mr. Cameron developed a balding problem at some stage which he may have thought could hamper his carefully planned out political future. He perhaps decided upon an expensive and to my mind somewhat drastic course of action. Essentially he is wearing a sort of reinforced hair helmet requiring careful daily upkeep and maintenance. This type of treatment was known to have been available at some cost in certain parts of Eastern Europe and Central America at the time."

When asked about these claims, Mr. Cameron's office stated that the state of Mr. Cameron's hair or other body parts were a private affair and that he refused to deny or confirm the allegations. A spokesperson went on to say that physical appearance prior to his becoming an MP had "no bearing" upon his current lifestyle or political views at this time. A conservative party political researcher also pointed out that claims in 1999 from the same source that Silvio Berlusconi had no elbow or knee joints because his limbs were never seen to bend in public had been comprehensively refuted by lawyers and so on.

Mr. Cameron's ratings according to Gallup showed a slight increase in his narrow lead over Mr. Davis after the appearance of the helmet allegations.

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