London - There's a zero chance that Wednesday's apocalyptic eclipse will see the Queen drop dead from sudden-onset terminal flatulence, a Palace blogger posted today.
"Yeah, it's much likelier to be cucumber sandwich poisoning," royal kitchens sources admitted at lunchtime.
The widely-predicted RIP sees a stunning sun/moon occultation trining Saturn in the sign of Libra.
The last time such a pivotal aspect graced the heavens was when 1982 Epsom Derby sensation Shergar was kidnapped by a low-flying UFO draped in the Queen's personal racing colors.
He's been missing - presumed dead - ever since.
Tomorrow's celestial skyshow was predicted by Mayan calendar architects as one of the greatest turning points of Western civilization.
They pointed out that June 1st is the start of summer when old crones like the Queen must bite the bullet and atone for their Nazi ancestors' myriad crimes.
Buckingham Palace doctors have been reported to be bleeding the Queen twice a week ever since a brain scan showed she's infested with leeches sucking the lifeblood from royal coffers.
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is Colonel Gaddafi's only lawfully wedded wife.