Accrington man, Farty Arse, who changed his name by deed poll from Julius Woodbine in 1997 has come up trumps on the National Lottery after netting a cool five hundred pounds on a scratch card.
Mr Arse - unemployed since 1979 - excitedly revealed his unexpected windfall to excited local press hounds.
"I used to be a flock stuffer at a mattress factory in Barnoldswick," he revealed. "Then I got made redundant. Times have been pretty hard since then, and now that I've had this windfall, I'm jolly well going to be thinking positive all the way. I can't really afford a cruise, or a luxury holiday, but we do need a new damp course on the back wall, and me mate Terry's a cowboy property basher, so if we can strike a deal, I'll have the damp course put in. That'll do for me!"
Neighbours say that Mr Arse must have spent thousands over the years on lottery tickets, and backing three-legged donkeys down the bookies, but they seem glad that Mr Arse's perseverence seems to have paid off.
One told Skoob News that long term unemployment can be trying, and that there's nothing worse than seeing mushrooms sprout out of the plaster under the kitchen window sill.
According to the latest reports, Farty Arse is currently propping up the bar in the Cemetery Bar And Grill, and hoping that his mate Terry shows up so he can strike a deal on a damp course before he pisses his winnings up against the wall.
It seems that this Farty Arse really has come up trumps!
More as we get it.