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Monday, 30 May 2011

image for Discovery of Morton's Toe Mystery Deepens as Rest of Morton Discovered in Portsmouth Wheelie Bin!
Morton's Toe is the second from Right or Left, Depending on Your Point of View!

Scotland Yard continues to press a recent murder mystery whilst remaining mum after what was alternately described as a parrot or an albatross was seen to drop what turned out to be the second toe of missing spoof writer Dudley Morton.

Morton had gone suddenly missing after a recent spate of super injunctions and at first it was thought he might have been swept up in a series of midnight raids by the super secretive Human Slights Enforcement Division after a series of articles he had posted about
the French, Brussels Sprouts, the Royal Mail, designer hats, Lord Nelson turning over in his grave and Sally Burcow being one sheet to the wind after a Pub Crawl.

Friends did become more concerned, however, after a police official on his Twitter account posted a NAKED picture of the toe taken whilst in the morgue awaiting forensic analysis,
and commenting on it's size.

"It's a right big toe...no, not THE BIG TOE, the second 'un...on the RIGHT "said fellow writer XXXXX also known on line as "Banned Agin", "the big toe is the Hallux...this is the second toe, which is much longer than the first toe, if you git me drift! I'd know that toe anywhere, it's from me mate Morton the great Prevaricator!"

With that lead investigators confirmed that the toe was from a man with "Greek Foot", thought to have come down through the ages, but catalogued after cross breeding when the Greeks invaded Egypt and continued their rape and pillage. Greek foot is much sought after by Greeks of both genders in their pursuit of each other, if you can believe on line personal ads originating from Athens. Greeks consider themselves quite lucky if they bump into someone of either sex wearing sandals and displaying the attribute.

'Greek Foot', according to Professor Erskine Squint, a famous podiatrist, differs from 'Egyptian Foot', where indeed the BIG TOE, which we now know as the Hallux, is much bigger (longer) than the second toe, which we also now know is Morton's Toe, wilst the rest of Morton still gone missing.

Everyone's worse fears were confirmed after a house to house search was conducted and the rest of Morton was found stuffed in a travel bag in a wheelie bin with the lid up, which had caused it not be picked up for 20 days, otherwise known as a 'double fort night' in Health 'n Safety double speak.

The wheelie bin was located in front of a modest house near the corner of Queen and High Street, an easy cycle ride from the Royal Naval Yard, with a cobblestone lane leading to a cul de sac containing numerous rabbit hutches, a collection of junked Gazebos, and old tv's, the ones with the bunch of little tubes in 'em.

Due to the dangerous condition of the cobblestones, and the report of an attack cat near the premises, mail had been suspended as well by Health 'n Safety officers, although nearby neighbors suspected it had been done in spite as 'there war a really daft fellow living innit!"

Neighbors also reported a parrot seen hanging around for the past three weeks or so, coming and going at rather odd hours.

Depending on who you talked to the Parrot was described as an 'African", a "Senegal" or a 'Quaker".

Sean McGill, a neighbor taking an extended break from work, said "It was definitely a Blue & Gold Macaw. Big Bastard. And Aggressive. Talkative bird though, tried to make friends with him, I did, and he tolt me clear as a bell, "fuck off and go shit in yer hat,' he did, he most certainly did...heard him clear as a bell, I did!"

Investigators are said to be still trying to put the rest of Morton together to find the cause of death. Examiners are now keen to find Dudley's Dick to fit 'the last piece of the puzzle!"

More Killer Parrot Bollocks as we git it.

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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