In a shock statement issued today by the UK Fire and Ambulance service, union representatives have decided that its members will no longer be able to attend emergencies, unless they are of a very minor nature.
The Fire Brigade is being prevented from attending dangerous 'things', such as fires, on health and safety grounds, as the union says its members should not be put at risk from burns, falling masonry, potential member vertigo from climbing ladders or getting wet and catching a cold from either dowsing fires with water or rescuing some binge drinker or over-enthusiastic football supporter from the canal.
The Ambulance service have similarly been warned by the health and safety experts not to attend to anything that may put their own lives either at risk or discomfort.
They have been told that due to potential infection, they must no longer attend to anyone who might be bleeding, they must not use syringes in case they prick themselves, and certainly, the use of the high voltage heart resuscitation machine is most certainly out of the question in case they might get a shock.
Drivers of both fire engines and ambulances have been told that they must now drive at no more than the allowed speed limit in built-up areas, as health and safety executive officers feel it is better they arrive 10 minutes late to an emergency than risk an accident on the way.
Finally, emergency service drivers must no longer use their flashing lights without wearing sunglasses or use their sirens without earplugs.
Home Secretary Teresa May is changing her name by deed poll to Teresa Maynot.