Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Monday, 30 May 2011

image for Arctic Monkeys At Centre Of Govt Clampdown On Rock Names
What's in a name?

Popular rockers the Arctic Monkeys are to be the first target of an investigation into the names of rock and pop groups.

Tory MP Gilbert Luncheon will head a special committee with powers to question musicians and prosecute any they find have misled the public.

Mr Luncheon explained: "I was visiting my sister some time ago and I heard this cacophony coming from my niece's bedroom. I asked her what is was and she told me it was some outfit called the Arctic Monkeys.

"I was intrigued so I did a little digging. Apparently these chaps hail from Sheffield - well, I know it gets cold in that neck of the woods, but it's hardly Arctic, is it?

"And when I examined pictures of this so-called rock band, they looked a little dishevelled and hairy, but they're not monkeys as we would know them!"

After further investigation, Mr Luncheon found other musicians were using names that could be described as "confusing." He demanded action in the House of Commons, claiming mis-named pop stars were appropriating money from the nation's youth under false pretences.

"This problem is worse than you might think," he added. "Since I began this campaign I have found groups calling themselves Bombay Bicycle Club - they're not from Bombay, which is now Mumbai anyway, don't ride bikes and do not constitute a club; Two Door Cinema Club, which is clearly false and there should be a hyphen in there; British Sea Power, obviously a lie - not an aircraft carrier among them; Sparrow and The Workshop… I could go on!

"We have a duty to protect our children and young people from shysters like this and I intend to lead a very vigorous campaign to clean up pop and rock music.

"Names should reflect the truth. The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players - now there's a group that does what it says on the tin! Lady Gaga - she's clearly a woman and bonkers. Well done!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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