Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed that his long suffering wife has been feeding him exclusively on a diet of cucumber sandwiches, since it was revealed that some cucumbers could be laced with lethal quantities of the botulinus - or botulism - bug.
Shuttlecock, still reeling, shell shocked and half pissed following his beloved Manchester United's capitulation in the Champions League Final against Barcelona, explained that he found this development somewhat unnerving - as he has by tradition always been a bit of a salad doger, expressing a preference for Filet Mignon rather than rabbit food any day of the week.
"Me favourite is freshly roast leg of lamb," Shuttlecock revealed. "Preferably without Leeds United tattoos on it. Failing that, a bit of beef is all right, or a nice pork chop, or even an ostrich sausage. But I really draw the fucking line at cucumber sarnies. That's just taking the piss, that is."
Long suffering wife Anne revealed to reporters that recently her incredibly stupid husband has become all too much. She alleges that he started getting all puritanical whilst doing unpaid scribe work for online satirical website, theSpoof.com, and insisted that he was more fun when he was just writing crap about fannies and cocks and tits.
And related stuff.
"Now," she says. "He's a right miserable bastard. Always twatting on about writing as an art form. I just thought it would be easier to poison the fucker with contaminated cucumber and have done with it. That way I could go looking for Johnny Depp out of Pirates Of The Caribbean, who apparently has a static caravan in the New Forest. I'm sure I could tempt the little bastard with me womanly wiles and that. He can't be worse than Martin. Even if he does wear an eye patch. Anyway, if the cucumbers don't work, there's always one of Ali Bullo's burgers. It's looking good so far though - he's been to the toilet three times already today, and it's only half past ten."
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