Following the recent ‘flap' of sightings of Unidentified Flying Objects over London, England, the Ministry For Bizarre Flying Articles issued the following statement:
‘The Government has been concerned of late by the number of UFO reports received from the public in relation to a number of strange airborne entities seen over London. In order to reassure these citizens, and indeed the wider populace, that, in accord with its policy of Summary Honesty, Integrity and Truth, the Government intends to honor its obligations, it has issued the following statement:
1) They're real. I'd run like hell, if I were you. I saw one of them myself only yesterday and it really put the shivers up my crapper.
UFO Sightings Over London: Government Denies Cover-Up
2) You should see the size of their teeth. ‘Jaws' ain't got nothing on this baby!
3) All citizens should report to their nearest Police Station for, let's see, ‘protection'. Each individual will be issued with Anti-Gamma-Ray Clothing and a month's supply of ‘Energy Pills' (don't swallow the blue ones yet).
4) A huge program of Civil Spaceship Construction is at this moment underway. The first of the Rocket Ships To Mars will be geared up and all set to leave for the Red Planet by next Thursday. Book early - there's a free pizza waiting for the first four billion applicants (courtesy of Quit Quick Cuisine Ltd)
5) Do not, under any circumstances, proceed to within one mile of the Rocket Ships. (Note: Rumors of their composition being mainly cardboard are totally false).
6) Do not bring family pets. Any weirdo with a python stands no chance.
Her Majesty's Government would like to take this opportunity to wish you well on your Journey To The Stars, and remind all ‘Sally Forthers' of the need for the respecting of Martian property. All deposits of priceless minerals will automatically become the property of the New Martian Administration until further notice.
No singing during the trip. Please hand in any valuables to the fat guy on the door.
The Government should also point out that personal possessions should be kept to the lowest possible in number, in order to minimize the effect of gravitational drag on the spaceship. This includes: False teeth; false eyes; phony legs; photographs of Milton Friedman in a tungsten hat; zoos; those things that sort of fall on top of you when you're tying your laces; huge saxophones.
Exempt items: Bags of Helium