Direct from our weeki leeks royal correspondent comes the startling news of the virgin prince's shocking surprise when he dropped his hand on common Kate for the first time after the wedding and came up with a fistful of raw meat.
The truth is she is not a Kate, but a Daniel. One of the best kept celebrity secrets of all times, until now. Poor Willie spent a tearful two minutes on the phone to his pater, but all the old fellow would say was, to be British and grin and bear it. Truly helpful.
Palace officials were in turmoil because of the unprecedented happening so they quickly decided a sex change operation was to carried out in the very near future at Dr Hermann Clittermans private clinic, situated at a secret location somewhere off the Edgware road. But to which one of them we ask? Joke.
The fact that the palace managed to keep the revelation under wraps for so long is quite astounding, but thanks to the diligence of our undercover palace reporter at grave risk to his own safety the news is now rightfully in the public domain. Apparently a super injunction was considered, but with so many wayward footballers using them it was decided to be a tone lowering exercise that was not in the interests of the royals.
Naturally the official palace spokesman will deny all such talk as scurrilous republican propaganda and the poor lad will just have to carry on wanking, unless he fancies a bit of the other.
This sad and rather sick situation does not bode well for the future succession to the thone and it will take some really clever thinking to produce a legitimate heir.
So, for as long as our brave correspondent remains undercover and undetected we will endeavour to keep you all well informed. Remember our motto...the truth will out regardless.
But what is the next and obvious question to be asked? Is Pippa really a Pippa or is she a Peter? The masculine looks tend to point to the latter and maybe her perfect posterior was manufactured by Dr Clitterman?