Shergar, County Louse - A 500-gallon drum of the strong stuff has seen the Queen vow to inseminate flagging House of Windsor genomes.
The Irish national equine center gift will hopefully inject some much-needed spunk into the current mutant bloodlines, a racing source advised
"They need to breed out frightful-looking freaks like grandchildren Princess Bea and Eugenics - er...Eugenie!" the Ballybollox Stud head of genetic modification explained.
"It's little wonder they shoved Edward and Sophie's cross-eyed brat Louise to the back of royal wedding snaps before the camera lenses cracked under the strain!"
First to be offered several UVF** - er...IVF! - cycles of the high-octane Irish sperm are likely to be the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Newlywed bride Kate is said to be straining at the cervix to accommodate a succession of blanks fired by her husband during a
recent honeymoon shagfest.
The two-week taxpayer-funded holiday is reaching its climax this weekend ahead of the couple's reported attendance at a State Banquet for President Obama next Wednesday.
"What's the betting they'll smuggle perky-arsed Pippa into the Buckingham Palace presidential suite once Michelle's out for the count, eh?" the royal correspondent for Whorse & Hound asked in the paper's editorial today.
"11/10Fav!" Aintgottaprayer.con's shagging prognostications division predicts on its weekly update column.
**The UVF - or Ulster Volunteer Farce - is a Northern Irish loyalist paramilitary group. Officially it does not conduct fertility treatment, its website advises.