New legislation aimed at trimming the fat that exists in the business world looks set to spell the end of Human Resources Departments everywhere. The shock news comes in the middle of one of the biggest financial crises the world has known; when every penny spent needs to have a positive effect on the balance sheet.
A private members' bill is to be rushed through parliament, perhaps as soon as next week, that will seek to banish HR for ever.
Speaking off the record a senior government minister told Jeremy Paxman, "Let's face it. What exactly do these people bring to the business table? They make nothing, they perform no vital functions of any tangible benefit to organisations really. All they do is sit about inventing more and more spreadsheets and appraisal processes for hard-working, under pressure and worthwhile employees to waste vital man-hours filling in ad infinitum."
But Ms. Doris Peacock , General Secretary of the Union of Human Resources Professionals (USDAW) was quick to defend her members in front of the press. She made the following statement.
"HR performs a vital role in every business and if, as a breed, we are done away with, then you can be sure that industry and commerce will grind to a halt. Abolitionists may wish to consider who will see to the fair inter-departmental distribution of coffee and biscuits to visitors for example. And what about disciplinary hearings? Who will sit there and take notes if my members are no longer employed?"
The news has sparked a bitter war of words between two Dragons from the BBC Dragons' Den programme. Speaking on the set of the popular show, Pint-sized knicker magnate, Theo Paphitis, commented, "HR or Personnel as we once called it, is vital to each and every one of my businesses. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about as I'm a rich and powerful businessman myself."
But fellow-dragon and belligerent fiery Scotsman, Duncan Bannatyne, wasn't about to take that lying down and countered, "Och ma arse Theo! HR's a load of auld shite, and quite honestly we'd all be better off if every bloody last one of them was consigned to the scrap-heap of history. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about as I'm a rich and powerful businessman too."