Dublin - Old HM Saggy-Boobs - as her hosts called her at Dublin Castle tonight - is in need of a major uplift.
And hydraulically-engineered hoists should be built into her droopy 40GG-cup bra 'to stop the boobs dangling below elbow height'.
"To be sure I offered to lend her one of mine," Irish President Mrs McAleese told reporters, "but she insists on sticking with her ageing Victoria's Secret.
"Still, there's no excuse for turning up in a stupid white wedding dress - and one with horrid lumpy bobbles all over the booby bits, to boot."
The Queen also donned one of the Crown Jewels' top fake tiaras, made specially for her during the previous recession following a major showdown with London pawnbrokers.
Outside Dublin Castle an angry chanting crowd protested about the royal visit.
"If you draw a handlebar mustache on her picture she looks just like her Uncle Joseph Stalin!" someone observed just as a battrery of police water cannon approached on crowd control duties.
Prince Philip's 107.