Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 18 May 2011

image for London Man Loses His Guinness and Will to Live
A crowd gathers after Franks was talked down from the roof.

Spotted on the tattered roof of his upper flat in Dalston, Otto Franks, second generation German expatriate and local auto mechanic, reportedly a stable and friendly man by all neighbor accounts, had threatened to jump to his death after forgetting the location of a freshly opened bottle of Guinness.

Police, who were immediately called to the scene, were eventually able to talk the man down but only after offering him a fresh Stella Artois and guaranteeing the bottle temperature to be a crisp one degree Celsius. Though it was a less than optimum surrogate, Franks agreed to the terms and descended under his own free will.

Sergeant William McManus was at the scene and commented to reporters, "Aye, we've seen this sort of thing before. Sad, really. Working man, having a bad day, needing a pint in the worst way, finding one last bottle in the fridge and then forgetting where you put it? Can't blame the bloke for going off the rails".

McManus was seen bumping his own chest twice with a closed fist and then pointing to Franks who was secured in the back seat of the squad car. It was a touching show of solidarity for the working class man. Franks was seen offering a nod of thanks in return.

Doctors at St. Leonards Hospital would later examine Franks only to find him in good physical condition, but with reasonable and expected concerns for his general mental health.

Dr. Tilda Cuttheels, Chief Psychologist at SLH tells reporters, "Franks basically suffers from CRS disease, as well as some anxiety over talk of a buy out looming for his auto garage employer. Mergers and acquisitions, even for small businesses is extremely stressful for employees." When asked for a description of CRS disease, Dr. Cuttheels smiled and replied, "For our over 50 male patients we call it, Can't Remember Sh*t."

Sergeant McManus confirmed the CRS diagnosis after searching Franks' home and finding the room temperature bottle of beer, and a set of car keys sitting on the top of the cabinet in Franks's water closet.

"You'd never see it if you were walking by and looking in from the hallway", said McManus. "The bottle was tucked neatly in the corner, away from the door. It must have driven him batty. That, and not being able to find his keys to drive to the store and buy more beer. Bloody hell, I'd be on the roof with the man".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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