Written by Cornelius P Lynch
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Monday, 16 May 2011

image for Woman Begs Council To Rehouse Her Family Because House Is Too Big
"Spare 10 pence for a cup of tea..."

A woman has requested the borough of Kensington and Chelsea to rehouse her and her family because the house is too big. Elizabeth Windsor and her husband Phillip are said to be shagged out just getting to the breakfast table in the mornings. They are hoping to move into a much smaller property in nearby Wandsworth.

The family originally inherited their current property from Elizabeth's parents. At the time they had a young son and three more children followed. However, the children are all grown up and married now, although Andrew is said to be single again and is being cared for by some sailors.

At first life in Buck House was great. Family parties, official state functions and the odd garden party. Gradually, however, Liz and Phil have tired of trying to look like they give a shit when being introduced to the Head of State of Lesotho. They now want a one bedroom flat near tooting Broadway station. Liz, speaking in her official state drawing room, said "It's no fun going up and down all these bloody stairs at my age you know. And poor old Phil. He's a wreck. And that's before he's been at the Gin. I am a pensioner and I have never worked. It's not cheap living here. Ok, so we get housing benefit and Phil has his Royal Navy pension. But we have horses and dogs and servants to feed."

A spokesman for the local authority said that they had offered free financial advice, but that the Windsors had so far refused to take up the offer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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