Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Saturday, 14 May 2011

image for The Secret Sadness Behind Jedward's Great Eurovision Song Contest Success
The Light of Jedward's Granny Kitty still lives on somewhere in Bolivia

Friends of Jedward have tonight revealed that the fantastic duo's fabulous Eurovision song contest success has been overshadowed by a secret family sadness that not even their publicity machine will talk about.

This secret tragedy happened almost 5 years ago now, and it is only today that we are able to reveal the full shocking facts about the day Jedward's granny went shopping to Dublin City and never came back.

It is believed she was kidnapped by the notorious granny snatchers of Dublin and she was held to ransom for £10,000. Jedward's family were so poor at the time, that they couldn't afford to pay the ransom and so they never got their granny back. She eventually got sold by drug dealers to another Irish family who had gone to live in Bolivia.

This may sound like a terrible one off tragedy but it is an every day occurence in Ireland. Irish grannies are such a sought after commodity that they are regularly snatched off the streets and sold to other families who don't have grannies.

The fact that poor Jedward were left grannieless at the age of 14 was the reason they moved to London to join the X-factor. They worked day and night to raise the ransom money but they ended up working for a slave driver called Simon who never paid them any money.

But they always vowed that one day they'd win a Europe wide competition and then make an announcement that they loved their lost granny and that after all these years they still wanted her back.

And tonight, after their great Europe wide success they have issued that statement asking for the safe return of Granny Kitty.

If their statement does not produce a result, then they will have to face a very sad fact. Maybe Granny Kitty doesn't want to go back to Ireland after living in the Bolivian sunshine for so long. Maybe she's seen Jedward's performances and she hasn't liked them. We might never know.

As of tonight, Jedwards Granny is still missing.

By Katarina Frogpond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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