Portsmouth - Constable Mike Millbury announced that they are on the lookout for a tatty raincoat and bowler hat approximately four foot two in height weighing three and one-half pounds, twelve to fifteen years years old, grey in colour but possibly another colour at some time previous. The aforementioned raincoat is believed to be the cause of a disturbance at a local pub or two last evening when it had more than it's share and went on for a bit too long afterwards.
Reg Stevenson, owner of the Fatted Calf drinking establishment, called in the complaint.
"We don't take exception to those who enjoy a pint or two and mind their own business but this raincoat had something about it that made us think it was up to no good.
It stood out from your regular patrons, something not quite right about it as it were. It just didn't fit in. Not that there's anything wrong with being different and all, we are all for diversity and being different, we should all think the same as far as that's concerned."
Constable Millbury explained, "What called us to investigate was that the coat and bowler, or bowler and coat as it has been called by some, was offering it's opinion regarding matters of all sorts to his and hers and those passing by in a manner deemed reckless and dangerous to the general public which we of course are bound to protect as a matter of principle and duty."
"It is a sign of a hardened criminal that they can sense when law and order is on it's way so by the time we arrived on the scene to set things in order the coat and bowler had made it's escape and was reported to be driving away from the crime scene."
"Doing a bit of speedy investigation we set out to capture the felon and were soon on his trail. We were confident that our superior police tactics and skill would prevail however a slow speed chase soon ensued with the criminal cleverly using slow side-to-side maneuvers that succeeded in causing us to lose his trail."
"The scoundrel may have gotten the better of us this time but mark my words he'll get his comeupance in due time."