Written by Morse
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Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for Lack of Pussy Blamed for Shut Down of Chinese Takeaway & Tragic Death!
Au Chu Weighs In Shortly Before his Tragic Death!

Health Department Inspectors closed down a downtown London Chinese Takeaway after a recent inspection showed a complete disregard for the most modicum of prudent food handling. The report cited rampant mice droppings, dead mice on the floor, congealed grease hanging from the ceiling, and a mouse nesting area.....in a box of noodles!

During the investigation it has been determined that 6 months ago the kitchen had been maintained properly, but things suddenly changed shortly after the head chef killed and cooked the restaurant's security cat, known as Au Chu, a big stripped tiger with a ferocious personality, the memory of an elephant, and a penchant for revenge!

Health inspector Lian el Maumoud conducted the investigation after interviewing the staff with the aid of 4 interpreters needed to sort out all the dialects of the all Chinese Staff, at least those that didn't flee after health officials descended on the enterprise and shut it down.

"It appears that the head chef, one Wa Sung, had taken an extreme dislike to Au Chu, and apparently the feeling was mutual. Wa Sung continuously kicked Au Chu, cut down on his rations, and even went to far as to castrate him with knife he used to peel Bok Choy...without an anesthetic!"

Lian continued with the saga: "Now it appears that Au Chu, a nasty bastard, albeit useful in keeping the facility rodent free, became bent on REVENGE. He was known to crap in Wa Sung's chefs hat overnight, put rodent parts in the egg fu yung left simmering , and even take the occasional piss in Colonel Tsu's Chicken marinade!"

"It took about 3 days for Wa Sung to figure this out, but it wasn't until he viewed the video from the spy cam he had set up that he caught Au Chu in the act."

"What we can ascertain, Wa Sung lured Au Chu to his ultimate death by preparing a sumptuous meal of boiled prawns with soy and ginger, hummingbird tongues marinated in Mango Chutney, and his favorite, Yorkshire Pudding. Whilst the unsuspecting Au Chu dined, not knowing it was his last meal, Wa Sung took him out with a meat mallet, skinned him, and after leaving him to stew for two days in a special Cantonese Marinade, served him up at a celebratory staff dinner where it was said, everyone licked their plate!"

In summing up the investigation Lian concluded, "Well, it appears Au Chu had the last laff after all. The kitchen became over run with rodents...they were so numerous the cleaning staff just gave up, and the food was so bad, most of the patrons, with the exception of the Huong Lo Tong stopped coming. Just before we started the investigation the half owner fled back to China on his expired Visa, and tragically, Wa Sung committed suicide over the disgrace.

On the Sudden Death Report Lian listed cause of Wa Sung's Demise as : LACK OF PUSSY

Owner of the building, Jacques St. Coq au Vin, says he's already booked a new tenant ready to move in after the clean up.

"From what I've been told, the shop will be a clearing house specializing in used pets, with goldfish, bi-lingual Parrots, and trained gerbils being featured. I also heard they may be the licensed seller of frozen Sock-eyed salmon imported from Alaska...but that's just a rumour. Good Luck is what I say...might as well sell used Gazebos for all the good it'll do! One good thing though, all those little furry bastards have now moved on to Tothill Street, the place is crawling with 'em!"

There's a moral here somewhere, and when we get it, we'll share it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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