The Queen's recent edict cutting off private security for the Princess Uglies, Beatrice and Eugenie, is causing rising angst to their beleaguered father, Duke of Yuk, who in desperation resorted to the help wanted ads seeking private protection for the fashion challenged duo.
This ad appeared April 10 in 55 of Britain's most popular tabloids:
Wanted: Security minded professional to act as minder for almost identical twins who've lost their mum and can sometimes be a royal pain in the arse. Can be cute and affectionate in public after a few drinks. Candidate must be fit, non smoker, non drinker, discrete and expert in self defense for his own good. Salary and Benefits commensurate with experience. Long hours, hard nights. English speaking only need apply.
Reply in confidence to PO Box 162, Buckingham Palace.
Concerned palace insiders say that as to date there have been no inquires.
"By now I thought the queue would be around the block,' said Prince Andrew's personal pants presser, " I'd take the job meslef if I didn't know better. Throwing red meat to a pool of piranhas more like it...better off sticking with the Buffoon you know than a pair a Boobs you don't!"
Random conversations with the average unemployed man on the street didn't bode well for the position being filled any time soon.
"Sure, I seen it, " said recently arrived Australian deportee Randy Smithe, "I've been given $25,000 to leave Australia, and promised a week's pay and a house since I got here. I can get in enough trouble on me own without having to get involved with those cows....pretty obvious who they are, innit?"
"If I'da bin interested, I'da grabbed me coat and hat and been down the palace in
a New York minute, " said chronically unemployed print journalist Harold Worth.
"But hey, I might be a bumbling limey, but I didn't fall off the potato truck yesterday, no matter what that McCarthy fella is sayin....just sayin...can't win with those two, a fella be doomed he had a mind to take that job. I'm better off stayin' home and writing shite for free and minding me own bizness, eh? That fat one there, Beatrice, eh, looks a cross between Beatrice Arthur and Monica Lewinsky....sad tail (sic) that 'un, eh?"
Andrew is said to be so desperate to put a lid on his spawn he's even approached his frequent Bunga Bunga Buddy Bill Clinton to arrange a job in Arkansas for the pair at Clinton's Presidential library.
Reportedly Andrew commented to a close friend whilst on a yacht cruise, who can't be named due to a super injunction, "At least with Bill, I know someone will be there to
keep ONE Eye on 'em when they crawl around on their hands and knees...hey, wish I could be there when he asks them if they've ever seen a one eared elephant!"