A record number of new legal highs were reported across Europe by Ian Mackaskill, Europe's new drug monitor.
Mackaskill was a surprise choice considering his inability to predict whether it was going to rain or not. However, he is said to take his job very seriously and has identified several new 'legal highs'.
Mackaskill identified Page Three in The Sun as a 'very important' legal high. "I get high looking at it" he said. A further new high is said to be women's knickers, which are said to induce a certain high when sniffed. Felicity Kendall was also named as a new legal high.
Dr Gordon Killjoy, the Government's Chief Scientist and head of the Bastard Institute of Misery, said that there were numerous health risks associated with these new highs. Severe wrist sprain, palm blisters and a generally nasty smell are the main symptoms.
The Government is said to be moving fast. Indeed, several Cabinet Ministers were moving very fast towards Felicity Kendall and the Page Three Girls.
So far these highs are not banned under UK law and the risks to public health are severe. Few of the Page Three Girls have been properly tested to see just how toxic they may be and knicker sniffers have even less protection. They are at the mercy of others.
Killjoy had this advice for the Government. "What we have to do is stop kids from getting hold of knickers. We've got to keep the Page Three Girls quarantined in Essex. These highs are just the beginning. If Britain is not to become a nation of wankers we have to act fast."