Well would you believe it? Prince William and Kate Middleton's honeymoon destination can be revealed this afternoon; and in keeping with the 'common touch' so evident in the multi-million pound lavish ceremony of pomp and pageantry held at Westminster Abbey, the venue is the very ordinary Seaview B&B in Blackpool.
Holidaymakers at the popular resort were stunned as the Prince, sporting a Kiss me Quick trilby and munching on pink candyfloss, took his new wife, herself decked out in an off-the-peg outfit from Primark, for a stroll along the front. Gawping in disbelief was the order of the day for the resort's usual influx of scum and low-lives, and many got their mobiles out and snapped themselves a souvenir of the momentous occasion.
Buckingham Palace refused to comment on the news but the Seaview's proprietor and landlady, Mrs Edith Charles, was cockahoop and told how the event came about.
"I was sat at home when the phone rings and some posh bloke's on the other end. He tells me he's seen us on the Internet and goes on to book a standard double for him and his wife. It was only when I asked him his name for the register he says William Wales. You could've knocked me down with a feather."
But Mrs Charles isn't one bit phased by having two of the biggest celebrities on the planet staying at her humble abode.
"Well I'm used to it to be honest. We once had Les Dennis stopping here with us when he was in a show on the pier, and then there was that bloke off of the Bill too; so in all honesty I'm pretty easy around celebrities"
Bill Rubbish, a common-looking type who'd be more likely to turn up on Jeremy Kyle, and who is a fellow guest of the Royal couple at the Seaview, along with his wife Shazza, told reporters.
"To think that filth like us would ever be stopping in the same hotel as the Prince and his bride is just like amazing and that. But if you ask me it shows that our Monarchy has turned over a new leaf if it's prepared to rub shoulders with scum like me and Shazza."
Sipping a pint of Stella in the residents' lounge, the tattooed thug then added
"They seem a nice couple though and even nodded to us at breakfast this morning, mind they wouldn't have a drink with us last night. Still I can't say I blame them coz like Shaz was bladdered and might've made a show of herself if I'm being honest. Though I did shout over and told him to give Kate one for me when they left for bed at about midnight"