Written by Duff
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Thursday, 5 May 2011

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The shape of things to come. "Every story to be 100% made-up" - Daily Mail Spokesman

"You couldn't make it up could you?" An often heard comment in pubs and clubs the length and breadth of the land; but one that is destined to be outdated before much longer, as today news emerges that there's soon to be an offshoot publication from the Daily Mail newspaper that will be based totally on stories without any foundation whatsoever.

A spokesman for the Daily Mail commented:

"Here on the Mail we feel that our hands are becoming increasingly more tied. There are too many namby-pamby do-gooders and left-wing types insinuating that we are a bunch of right-wing scaremongering racist homophobes. Though why these filthy scum just don't piss off back under the stones they crawled from I don't know.

"So we're hitting back and the obvious thing to do is to produce a new title were we can bash the lot of 'em and their kind. All stories in the new paper will be scurrilous, one-sided, totally unresearched and 100% made-up.

"They'll be designed to inflame the anger of our expected core readership with endless references to illegal immigrants, dole scroungers, benefit cheats, gays and lesbians. We expect people such as retired army colonels, magistrates, and ageing Thacherite doddery old bats in twinsets and pearls are sure to lap it up"

Press watchdogs are bracing themselves for an avalanche of complaints from foreign, namby-pamby, left-wing, gay and lesbian, illegal immigrant dole scrounging do-gooders once the publication (rumoured title to be Rule Britannia) hits newsstands later this month.

Wing Commander 'Lefty' Tavistock, who readers might remember as the pilot who once flew a Lancaster Bomber onto the lunar surface, was unavailable for comment before going to press, and radical cleric, The Archbishop of Canterbury, is said to be holding his counsel until he has had a chance to have a look at the first issue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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