Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Topics: BBC

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

image for Laurie Penny Accused of Killing Bat Colony
Save the Bat the From Laurie Penny's Squeaky Voice

Political commentator Laurie Penny has been accused by a wild life conservationist of killing a whole colony of bats.

David Smith was watching a political debate with his family when all of a sudden several bats on his wildlife reserve fell out of the sky and died.

At first he didn't make the connection between the TV programme they were watching and the deaths, but very soon it became apparent to everyone in the room that the bat deaths were in response to a very particular trigger. That trigger was the sound of Laurie Penny's squeaky voice.

"The girl did appear occasionally to be making sense but the trouble was - her voice was so squeaky and high pitched she was killing the wildlife."

Mr Smith said that the problem was particularly bad when she used specific words. One of the worst was the word "patronizing". She would say it in such an outraged way that her voice would shoot up to the squeaky stratospheres beyond the bounds of human hearing to those that became dangerous to bats. Her voice would become a sonar weapon and the bats just couldn't take it.

She also made damaging noises when she uttered the phrase "I'm sorry but...," which she said about 20 times, and each deliverance of the word resulted in more batty waves of amagheddon.

Mr Smith says "My garden is now knee deep in dead bats and its going to cost me a fortune to clear them away. And I don't think I should be paying. I think the BBC should pay. Or at the very least they should pay for some vocal training so that this girl can do no more harm to our flying mousey friends in the sky."

Laurie Penny was not available to comment because she is always on the move, travelling from one revolution to the next. But friends of Penny say she is a deeply caring girl who would never speak again if she thought her voice could do harm to any living creature.

Mr Smith was very pleased with this revelation and is willing to donate his lap top to Laurie in order to help her "Never speak again"

"Its for the best really, isn't it." He said. "Bats are nice things, they don't deserve to die just because some squeaky girl wants to voice her opinions...ultrasonically."

So the message to Laurie Penny tonight from the animal kingdom seems to be "You're voice is too dangerous for the telly Red Pen, stick to Pen and Paper"

By Katarina Frogpond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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