Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 3 May 2011

image for One man one vote - Alternate voting (AV) set to be a big disappointment
Vote yes or no? Don't let this man decide on his own

Apathy in the electorate combined with the vast majority of people not understanding Alternate Voting is expected to result in the lowest turnout for a national vote ever.

"In some areas, we are expecting only a handful of voters," said Nick Clegg, "if that. It is actually possible that one person's vote could make a difference; as they are the only person voting. This is the true nature of a democracy: one man, one vote - only we never expected to be able to meet the man who votes."

Both the campaigners for keeping the current system and the campaigners for changing to weighted voting have admitted that their campaigns have been flawed.

"The Vote Yes campaign could have been a little clearer," admitted Clegg. "I feel that we have not explained it very well. This has opened the door for the No campaign to put across a lot of misinformation. Australia has had no more hung parliaments than we have. So that claim is obviously nonsense."

Other misinformation, such as saying that people who vote BNP will have their votes count multiple times, has also annoyed Clegg.

"That's not true either, exactly," said Clegg. "Everybody gets to vote the same number of times. If you vote for the most popular candidate, then that popular vote gets counted as many times as the person who voted BNP. See, I'm not explaining it very well, either am I? I'll start again. If you're first choice doesn't get in, then it might be your second choice candidate. Or your third. Or even your fourth choice. But in the end, it's always somebody who you said you wouldn't mind getting in."

David Cameron, who is fully behind keeping things the way they are, so that he doesn't get unelected in the next election, believes that Clegg's inability to explain AV will be behind its ultimate failure to be taken forward. "Look, it's too difficult for the thickos who live in this country to understand. If Cleggy can't explain it with his Eton education, then it's obviously far too complicated. So either vote No, or just sit at home and watch reality TV, I think there's a new show about Essex on at the moment, that's the level this population is at. They don't need this complicated system. The British people have just about figured out how to fill in a Lotto ticket, AV would blow their minds. To be blunt, the fact that most people get their opinions from the tabloids says it all."

Several editors of tabloid newspapers have been annoyed at the suggestion that their readers are thick. "Wot is 'e sayin?" asked one. "Our readers are well clever, aint they. Sum of 'em can even do the crossed word thingy we put in each day. We're gonna ask our readers to vote yes just cos it will screw wif Cams."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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