In a shock revelation that shocked the world into shock, it was revealed that newly-married Prince William spent his first night of marriage with a commoner.
Dave Filth, reporter at large - well he is 32 stone in weight - revealed the sordid facts in his morning column in the Daily Smut.
He said that in between tapping Sir Elton John's phone and taking telephoto photographs of a female member of Parliament in a very tight pair of hotpants, he discovered that Prince William had spent the entire night and much of the following morning with a commoner.
Mr Filth went on to say that, even though he was born in Canada, he was ashamed to be British now he has learned of this revelation. He said that with all the souvenirs on sale, the immense television coverage that had knocked his daily dose of Jeremy Kyle off the schedules not to mention all the people who had queued for days in London in the pouring sunshine to await the royal event, the Prince then goes and disappoints everyone by spending his wedding night with a commoner.
He continued that, although he couldn't reveal the precise location or his sources, he does know that the commoner the Prince spent the night with a young lady by the name of Catherine Middleton.
He decided to run the expose because he felt the public needed to know.