Written by Stella Kordun
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Topics: Royal Wedding

Friday, 29 April 2011

image for The British Public Will Be Royalist says Police Superintendent

Britain has today been declared a no-go area at the occasion of the Royal Wedding of William to Catherine Middleton. Thousands of tourists and native well wishers descended onto the Capital in order to nosey at the couple and distinguished guests and to gossip about what they were wearing.

But, it has transpired that anyone with an ounce of common sense and who have been bored by this non-stop tirade have much more to fear from being resident in the UK. City police have declared war on those who are oppositional or even bored by over exposure to the Royals. Sanctimonious Royal journalists from the BBC have declared that viewers should be made to sit and watch the wedding if they are not joining in any of the many festivities hosted around the country.

Police have been making random arrests leading up to the celebration and Susan Pritchard who claimed that "there has been too much publicity surrounding the Royal Wedding" has been put under house arrest. Police have been scanning householders dustbins for signs of dissent or royal boredom and been taken off into the night, never to be seen again.

It seems also that Mark Zuckerberg, founder of the highly popular social networking site, Facebook, has been facing pressure from the British Government and British Police over oppositional elements in British society who are using the site and he has been forced to disclose information on political activists and those who just like to poke their tongues out at the British Establishment. The Foreign Secretary, William V.Hague has contacted the FBI who have researched the problem and closed down rogue accounts. "The trouble is...and this is where our work is so arduous and challenging...that as soon as we close one group's account, another one starts up that's as radical, or even more so, in its place" states Blu Limbaugh, Chief Investigation Officer of the FBI.

Meanwhile trailing through dustbins, social networks and arresting people willy-nilly will remain to be current police tactics. Superintendent Whiny of Westminster Constabulary stresses that "We cannot have the British public refusing to capitulate to media and state demands to enjoy themselves. Not taking a delight in the events of the Royal Family is very Un-British and akin to anarchy and we just won't have it..."

We tried to seek the views of David Cameron and Nick Clegg today but have been advised that they are incapacitated following the consumption of copious amounts of pink champagne and 'twatting' working class revellers outside the Palace of Westminster.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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