London - "At this stage we simply don't know if they're surgical implants," one ogler commented, "or polystyrene slip-ins, part of some designer thong.
"Still, it's the only sartorial topic on most blokes' minds, like, watching Pip sashay up the Abbey aisle."
As maid-of-honor Pippa Middleton's derriere stack commanded the utmost attention, diverting other must-know topics such as her remarkable facial similarity to Ed Milliband.
Even the Arsebishop of Canterbury managed a flushed grin as his trusty crew of ecclesiastical henchmen jockeyed for position to get a glimpse of Pippa's wobbling spheres.
"Tremulous, that's how I'd describe them," Prince Harry chuckled in the carriage procession back to Buck House.
"A fiver says I'll be first to find out if they're real or add-ons!"