Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 28 April 2011

image for Depression Sets In For Royal Wedding Followers
Kate's ring (shown smaller than actual size, well she is nervous!)

A massive depression has set in for followers of the Royal wedding this Friday in London.

Onlookers and spectators alike, some queuing for days along the planned route, have begun to accept the grim realisation that it will all be for a split second's fleeting glimpse of the Royal couple.

"I've been waiting here for four days," said Tony Fucknuts, 57, "and it suddenly hit me that I'm really wasting my life on this! I mean the carriage will speed past and that'll be it! Thirty seconds, tops!"

Mary Sandblaster, 49, left her job as a spit polisher in Arbroath so she could attend the event. Sleeping on a nest of carrier bags, behind railings, on The Mall, Mary has been there for eight days now, in preparation for that all important 'view'.

She told us "I just love the Royals, they're just so down to Earth, what with all their finery and riches! But I woke this morning and just had this nagging feeling that chucking in my job of twenty years, just to come and sleep rough, was maybe, not such a great idea!"

The depression appears to be attacking only the British, however.

Sandy McVicker traveled from his home in Miami to witness the spectacle. He told us "I just couldn't miss this event! To be part of a massive throng for days on end, sleeping rough and not showering, and then to witness ten seconds of the back of a Royals head, is just a lifetime achievement for me. It's more important than the birth of Jesus."

And Bab'tong M'gum't'bo walked barefoot from her hut in Namibia to bless the Royal couple on their greatest of occasions.

She said lots of things, in clucks and warbles, but to be fair our interpreter was late, so we didn't fully understand, but we got the gist she was excited about the whole affair.

Expert in depression, Dr Leonard Cohen (no relation, just coincidence) had this to say "the mass depression is a manifestation of peoples primal fears for the coming event. If you look forward to something too much, at some point the human mind will begin to inject doubt. How can this ceremony possibly live up to the expectations that you, yourself have put upon it? It' can't. So get over it."

"It appears to only affect British citizens because you are intrinsically a very nay-saying, depressive nation of moaners. Always expecting the worst of every situation. The foreign visitors that have made the journey to witness the event are all still on holiday, don't forget!"

"Even if the ceremony turns sour, they're still having a vacation, away from their ordinary lives! They couldn't really give a shit if a wheel falls off the coach, or some Islamic fundamentalist blows up a horse. It'll only add to the carnival atmosphere, in their opinion!"

"I would suggest to all citizens of the United Kingdom to hit the pub early, enjoy the extra day off, and get rat-arsed!"

A plan that many have seemingly taken on board.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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