London, Tuesday 11 October 2005 (Rioters) - The Metropolitan Police has announced tough new security measures ahead of Thursday's 80th birthday celebrations in London for the nation's No 1 senile old terrorist-in-chief and scion of the Adolf Hitler tribe, Margaret Thatcher.
Amid much speculation in the UK press that all foreign guests arriving for the shindig will be subjected to a specially-commissioned mandatory video-recorded strip and intimate search at the airport - footage of which may then be released on US-army-issue internet porn sites that currently carry Abu Ghraib footage - the Thatcher Foundation Slush Fund published a press release today confirming that all invitees have signed MI5 security agreements permitting such extensive private screening and scanning. This may include the use of trained Special Branch sniffer dogs whose speciality is the instant recognition of fascists, racists, Nazi sympathisers, moneylaunderers, supporters of General Pinochet and financial backers of the failed Equatorial Guinea Coup Plot that was so cack-handedly masterminded by her son Mark last year.
Security chiefs at London's Heathrow Airport also confirmed that a Guantanamo-Bay-style maximum-security screening facility had been installed especially for the occasion and that they were looking forward to processing many members of the Bush family, the Kissinger clan, relatives of the late Ronnie Raygun, assorted Ku-Klux-Klan affiliates, paid-up members of various millenium cults such as the Moonies, Scientology, Branch Davidianism etc., executive directors of the US-based Riggs Bank, convicted child molestors protected by the Holy See and fugitive litigants from the adjourned 'God's Banker' murder trial in Rome.
Meanwhile at the Herman Goering Suite at HMP Belmarsh - where Thursday evening's festivities are due to peak - preparations are under way to ensure that no expense will be spared to make the gathering as memorable as possible, given the gravity of the occasion and the patience of the Metropolitan Police Anti-Terrorist Squad which has stoically bided its time for the last 30 years in preparation for this date with history.
Live TV coverage is being planned for transmission across the globe to ensure maximum coverage of the event. And special commemorative postage stamps are rumoured to be ready for issue featuring a holographically-generated image of former President George Herbert Bush and excerpts from his MI6/CIA file that feature his extensive criminal records, offshore bank account numbers, list of alibis and accomplices, plastic-surgery procedures and birth certificates of illegitimate children spawned in Cuban brothels circa 1940-1965.
Various members of the House of Windsor are expected at the event, including Charles - Pretender to the Throne and his accomplice Camilla - and Conrad Black's secret son who masquarades as HRH Prince Andrew.
The VIP Official Invitation - "Black Tie, NO BLACKS" - is predicted to become a collectors' item and has already generated much interest on internet auction sites specialising in Nazi memorabilia.
Further details are expected tomorrow.