Clarence House , London 10 October 2005 -(Associated Mess): Details are released today of the forthcoming Haj tour by the Pretender to the Throne to the shrine of his greatest US personal achievement in next month's official visit to Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan, New York.
Accompanied by Geoffrey Howe's IRA terrorist daughter 'Camilla', the son of Armand Hammer and Raine Spencer has made extensive arrangements for a photo-opportunities pilgrimage to the former World Trade Center site that was so efficiently levelled according to his favorite organic recipie by a hand-picked clique of bearded free radicals in September 2001.
Other members of the entourage on this trip may include Ms Heather Mills McCartney, blood mother of the acnoid little tyke currently raking in the dosh for his impersonation of 'Prince William', and the renowned self-publicist, global plagiarist and natural daughter of Jeffrey Archer, Ms JK Rowling. However, a two-year work-experience placement at the Isle of Dogs branch of the Riggs Bank precludes William from accompanying the Pretender and his alibi on the US tour.
The itinerary is thought to include dinner with President and Mrs Bush at the White House's official Pinochet Suite followed by a personal tour of President George H Bush Center for Intelligence/CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, where the Pretender will inaugurate yet another Polygraph encryption and DNA-whitewashing facility in the newly-erected JP2 Counter-Intelligence wing of the Ronald Raygun Third Reich Building.
Later, a visit to President Bush Sr's new Halliburton-sponsored water ranch in New Orleans is on the cards before an official State Banquet at the Roberto Calvi Hotel in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, where the Pretender is expected to be honored with the Bush Administration's limited edition Medal of Honor for terrorism services (2nd class).
The tour will end with a joint public prayer session at the Church of Latter Day Morons in Crawford, Texas where the Pretender and President Bush will ask for God's blessing on the next leg of the Special Relationship that the happy couple epitomise.
Informed sources say that this is believed to include a proposed 'miraculous immaculate conception' for Camilla who will give birth to a re-incarnation of the Messiah, following a ritual ablution rite under the Crawford eclipsed full moon accompanied by an in-vitro virtual insemination procedure conducted by the Reverend Jerry Falwell.
A special souvenir set of postage stamps is to be issued by the Royal Male to commemorate the US trip and will contain images of the Pretender's greatest UK achievements, including the 7/7 backpack-bomber special (30p), the 21/7 shoot-to-kill Brazilian prototype (50p) and an organicly-grown ricin hybrid cultivar for postage to the remoter areas of the Commonwealth just in time for Christmas.