It has come to light that the Royal Wedding on Friday is a sham, a hoax, a diversion.
According to palace insiders William and Kate have already tied the knot in a small ceremony in Tahiti, and look-a-likes will replace Kate, William and the Archbishop of Canterbury on Friday.
"People are going to be cheering for Simon Ruffstuff and Jenny Twistle," said Ian Cider, a palace informant. "They are the best two look-a-likes available for booking today."
The Royal Wedding has been deemed important to national pride, and has to go ahead, but Scotland Yard have indicated that there is an Al Qaeda plot to fly a plane into Westminster Abbey as the couple get hitched.
"At great personal expense the Queen and Prince Philip flew the couple in total secrecy to Tahiti for a quickie wedding," said Cider. "Should MI5 and Scotland Yard fail to stop the plot, this will be revealed. If it all goes to plan, then nobody will ever know."
Al Qaeda are said to have replaced one of the Tornado pilots with a kamikaze pilot who will break formation and fly straight into the wedding entourage as the vows are being exchanged.
"Nobody knows which of the pilots it is, or if it's one of the back-up pilots," said Cider. "So they are taking no chances."
For their part, Simon and Jenny have been whisked away to a secret location and forced to sign the Official Secrets Act to ensure they will forever remain tight lipped on the affair. They have also been granted a quickie divorce after the event, which will be as real as a real wedding.
"Unless they decide to team up permanently," said Cider. "And why wouldn't Simon want to shack up with Jenny? She's very attractive."
Cider has admitted that they are sending the real Prince Andrew, Sarah Ferguson and Prince Harry. "With any luck, the plot will be real," said Cider.