Startling news from Buckingham Palace tonight confirms that neither Tony Blair or Gordon Brown will be page boys at the big do in Westminster Abbey next Friday.
Mr Blair has been practising by holding up a table cloth for hours, while Mr Brown is really, rather too busy electioneering, smiling in that false way he describes as an enigmatic smile and toadying to the money men at the IMF in search of an internship. Either way, none of these boys will be supporting the Royal Wedding dress train.
Gordon isn't fussed. His wife, Sarah, prefers to spend the time beachcombing near her Fife home, in a civilised northern country with her two sons. Not for Sarah,fawning and crawling to the Royals and anyway she can't be bothered searching through Premiummark for a nice frock.
On the other hand, Cherie, the Mrs Blair, social climber and friend to the highest in the land, or maybe not, is reported to be throwing her new Jimmy Shoes at Tony.
"Why did you have to be nasty to them, you bastard. I told you not to order her back to London when you know who bounced off a Parisian concrete pillar. You couldn't help being the Big I am, thought you were equal to them. You pratt, they look down on you. Why do you think she called you Tiny Blair? And no, it wasn't her posh accent, HM thought you were a little shit stirrer", wailed Cherie.
I'll just go buy her another house in Kensington, thought Tony, at least she can boast about that in the Inns of Court. Nobody tell her Elton and the Beckhams are going.
Sadly, the Iron Lady can't attend. Playing in her War Games League with the neocons again the old cow.