Written by Bill Licks
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Friday, 22 April 2011

image for Jubilee Line to be filled with shit
'Mind the crap'

The Mayor of London Boris Johnson has today announced that the Jubilee Line will be closed for good and filled with billions of tonnes of excrement.

After months of suffering for commuters who have had to put up with such excuses as broken down trains, signal failures and not very good suicide bombers, the Mayor has finally decided that enough is enough and that the tube line would be better off being returned to its previous use as a Victorian sewer.

'I believe Londoners have had just about all they can put up with' said Boris. 'They try to get to and from work each day on a train that goes on a single line of track operated by a driver who pushes a big red button every now and then to start and stop the train.'

'You'd think this was a simple process but I've heard of people who have been stuck on a broken down train for over 3 weeks waiting for the train driver to learn simple English phrases, so that he can instruct people to 'Open door' and 'Leave Train'

'Therefore I have decided to put an end to the poor Londoner's pain and anguish and terminate all services on the Jubilee Line.'

'And in these times we live in of recycling and promoting green issues, I have decided to re-use the Jubilee Line as an enormous sewer which will help relieve the ever growing problem of waste disposal that we face in London.'

'So from Stratford in the East to Stanmore in the West, the next time you Londoners flush your toilets you'll be delighted to know that your excrement will be filling up a tunnel rather than being washed out into the river Thames.'

'Everyone says the Jubilee Line is a load of shit, well, from now on that statement will be literally true.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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