In a dramatic last minute intervention the Middleton's have spoken out against their daughter Kate's marriage to Wilhelm Schwlzig-Holstein (going under the name of Windsor or Wales).
Mr Middleton was adamant. 'What is wrong with the name Middleton?' he asked 'we're in the middle - we know who to look up to and who to look down on, just like Ronnie Barker. But now, our Kate wants to marry someone called Wilhelm Schwlzig-Holstein - a German name. What will the neighbours think when they see a foreigner with our daughter?'
Mrs Middleton was agitated. 'I've heard it said that Kate's intended has a poor family background. A really dysfunctional outfit. His parents were both having it off with someone else when they were married and one hears that Wilhelm's great uncle was friendly with Adolf Hitler! His father treated his mother very badly and the word is that he hired someone to bump her off.'
There were also concerns expressed about any forthcoming children: 'Little Schwlzig-Holsteins - imagine how they will be teased at school!' cried Mrs Middleton in tears.
Mrs Jones, the Middleton's best friend, has suggested that Kate should switch to Wilhelm's half-brother Harry. He's from good British stock. Kate is not keen on red hair but it indicates a clear Anglo Saxon heritage.
Whatever happens the Middletons have promised their daughter there will always be a room ready for her if she wants to come home.