Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Newcastle

Thursday, 21 April 2011

image for Newcastle City Council Considers City Name Change
The Gazza Strip under attack again

After some months debate, the City Council of Newcastle have decided to change the city's name. Liberal councillors felt that the word "castle" is too militaristic and wished to change it to something more gentle.

Proposed alternative names included "Oldcastle", "Castle" and "The Palace on the Tyne". The eventual winner was a shortened form of this last name - "Palace Tyne". The city will take this new name starting next year.

The city's coat of arms will be officially changed too. It will resemble local hero Paul Gascoigne's football colours which he wore when playing for Newcastle United in the 1990s. The new coat of arms is informally known as the Gazza Strip.

In retaliation, neighbouring city Sunderland has decided to change its slogan to "Is that for real?". This was too long to fit on existing road signs, so all that visitors will see is "Is real?".

The two cities have had a long-standing rivalry, which is threatening to spill into all-out war. A group of Newcastle residents, who call themselves Hammas ("Hammers" in a Geordie accent) have begun a series of public vomitings in Sunderland. Young men are persuaded to fill themselves up with beer and curry - to "get hammered". They then go into busy restaurants and blow their guts all over the place. Such public vomitings are making it unsafe for Sunderland residents to go out on the town.

Sunderland have decided to impose sanctions on Newcastle, preventing goods from entering or leaving the Magpie territories. Work is said to have begun on a wall to separate the two cities.

Tony Blair, a piss envoy from nearby Durham, has been asked to begin peace negotiations between the two sides. It is hoped that common ground can be found whereby residents are not permitted to come within two housing blocks of the opposite city - the so-called two-estate solution.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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