Written by Auntie Matter
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Monday, 18 April 2011

image for Vindaloo Eater Murdered in Street Brawl
Worth Dying For?

London: A number of people have been arrested at a Hare Krishna restaurant late last night in connection with the murder of an innocent bystander who was set upon by diners in what appears to have been an unprovoked attack.

One witness, a girl, said: "I was just standing there and suddenly this mob in robes came tearing out of a restaurant shouting and screaming and just set upon him. I couldn't believe it. I mean aren't they supposed to believe in something or other?"

A camera crew from ITN was soon at the scene and managed to get a word from one of the alleged assailants before he was bundled into a waiting police van.

Said he: "We are holy men. The blood of this infidel is on his own hands. We are vegetarians. Our food is chanted over with prayers and thanksgiving. Our food is sacred to us. He had no right to do what he did. No right whatever. He should have respected out beliefs."

And what exactly did the victim do? Apparently he left a pub alone about an hour before and stopped off at an Indian restaurant further on up the street for a takeaway, thought to have been a lamb curry.

It seems he was part of a building gang and still wore his working overalls and boots as he made his way to a taxi ramp situated near the Hare Krisna Vegetarian Restaurant.

Attracted by the chanting and music coming from within he stood peering for a while through the large main window while eating his curry. Then, perhaps as a result of having more to drink that was good for him, he started a chant of his own - "Vindaloo, vindaloo, vindaloo, vind-a-loo, vind-a-loo, vind-a-looo-hooo" - stopping now and then to feed himself chunks of meat in the manner of a seal being fed fish.

That is when all hell broke loose and the crowd rushed out of nowhere to attack him. Chief Inspector Ronald Bull told an ITN reporter:

"These are mad times what with extremists and manic American preachers burning Korans and what have you. Next thing you know vegetarian monks will be declaring holy war against McDonalds. It is hard to believe you can be kicked to death by people wearing sandals but... there you go. You learn something new every day. The poor bastard didn't realise he was having his last meal on earth. I hope he enjoyed it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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