Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Sunday, 17 April 2011

image for Royal Eugenicist Declares Kate Middleton "Acceptable"
Ginger hair - there ain't no red in the Union Jack!

In the run-up to the royal wedding between Prince William and the peasant girl Kate Middleton, we have caught many glimpses of royal life. Not only have we learnt in excruciating detail the minute-by-minute plans for the wedding, but also what Kate will be expected to do once she becomes royalty. Much has been made of how the pair met at St Andrews University of Golf for Poshos, but little has been revealed of how Kate was actually selected for her role.

The Royal Eugenicist is an obscure, little-known position in Buckingham Palace. The job was left vacant for a while in the 1970s and 1980s, as it was thought to be somewhat old-fashioned and politically incorrect. But with the debacle of Princess Diana, and the introduction of ginger genes into the royal family, the Queen quietly recruited a Royal Eugenicist again in 1998.

Since then, every girlfriend of Prince William has been examined in detail. They have undergone thorough background checks for class, breeding and have even had their DNA tested. The intention is to ensure there are no genetic defects in the future royal family. In fact, the human genome project was partly funded by the Queen. She announced the donation a few years ago in a speech in which she said that genetic testing could rid the world of "gingers, fags and frogs".

Kate Middleton was given the all clear by the Royal Eugenicist in 2006. That same year, Prince William was given the key to his royal chastity belt, and taught how to use his penis.

Prince Harry is not given the same treatment. Royal protocol - which controversially remains very anti-ginger - indicates that if for some reason Prince William cannot ascend to the throne, then Harry will be euthanased and the throne will pass to a randomly chosen German aristocrat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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