Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 16 April 2011

image for 'Parking Meter Earns More Than Me' Says Restaurant Staff
Money....it's a gas, grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.

Money woes faced by families across the UK are spreading at an unprecedented rate, in what political analysts are calling 'worrying times', say sources close to the analysts that said it.

Vera Bigtits, a full time source, told us "analysts have been doing analysing and stuff, and they have concluded that the average family of four will be bankrupt by the time I finish this sentence."

Recently we have seen food prices soar, petrol has rocketed and taxes have zoomed upwards in to the sky, like Icarus towards the sun, all the while wages have plummeted, benefits have cascaded and disposable incomes have fallen like a burning hot baked potato in an ungloved hand.

We went out on the street to get the latest from you, the great unwashed.

First we went to McDonalds, where we ordered a Quarterpounder with cheese meal. Speaking briefly to Ying, the two starred counter assistant who served us that day, she told us "it bwuddy stupid! That parking meter outside cost £4.50 an hour. I only get bwuddy £4.20. Dat mean it on more money dan me! I can't live on dat."

It was an opinion echoed throughout our trip around the city. We entered The Nellie Dean boozer and spoke to Bob, the barman.

"Well, it's fackin' stoopid, innit? I mean, the bloody guvermunt wanna do samfing abeht it, dunt they? Six fackin' quid forra bluddy pint of piss weak lager? And seven fackin' notes forra bluddy pack o'smokes? They wants lockin' up! No wonder there's a boozer a day going dahn the pan! The common man carnt afford to have fun no more!"

We asked him what the answer was.

"A fackin' revolution! When the shit kicks off I'll be there wiv me bayonet fixed, mark my words! Take to the streets and revolt! All this poxy saving and cut-backs, yet we can afford to go and bomb Libya? Fackin' crock o'bollocks, mate! Wanna top up there, chief?"

We didn't mind if we did.

Moving on to a plush restaurant, we wanted to get the low-down from the higher paid sector.

"Customers are certainly spending less," said Yeardley Warner-Samsung Blythe, owner of D'Lounge Lizard Bar and Restaurant, as we tucked in to our 40oz rib-eye, "the cost of eating out has increased, but then with food prices going up, so too has eating at home! A tin of baked beans has seen a 100% increase in price over the last month. The common man's wage can't sustain that level of inflation."

We looked in to it, and the beans had gone up, but they were still only 37 pence, so not all bad, really.

Finally we met with one of the analysts that sparked the whole debate up in the first place. He wished to remain anonymous, and so we met him in a fancy vodka bar at eleven pm, wearing dark glasses, a hat and gloves. It was a bit warm, for a summers evening.

He told us "borrowing is down, because the banks won't lend, yet people are falling deeper in to debt. It's a vicious circle of torment. We will either have to revolt, as your man said earlier, or the only other choice is suicide. End it all, and say no more about it."

"The irony is, as more people fail to meet repayments on loans, credit cards and the like, we will see an increase in short term prison sentences, as people turn to crime as they get more desperate. Which, in turn, will result in more taxpayers money being used to contain the newly convicted inmates."

It seems to be a lose lose situation for the little man.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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