London - Kate Middleton was told today she'll be calling herself plain Mrs Wales after the 29 April nuptials.
Gargantuan ambitions to style herself Her Royal Highness Princess Catherine of Wales have been scuppered - as has the couple's bid for 'a massive Dukedom'.
The College of Arms, which grants heraldic crests, has confirmed that some fly-by-night attempts by the usurping pair to resurrect the Dukedom of Windsor were mooted late last year.
The title was mothballed after 1986 following the successful granting of probate of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor's Last Wills & Testaments - which despite much fantasy reporting by the media saw neither Mohammed Fayed, French shyster lawyer Maitre Blum nor any corgi charities benefitting.
William is said to be livid because all the couple's post-wedding gilded and embossed stationery has had to be sent to landfill.
The prospect of an Earldom - the next notch down the heraldic scale - is also unlikely as public perceptions of what constitutes an 'austerity wedding' begin to seethe.
As for Kate's own Coat of Arms the heraldic masters have suggested a First Qatar Slushfund and Gravytrain Bank of London chequebook and pen might be appropriate.
"Kate's heartbroken," a Sunday Smearer phone-hack source said today.
"Apparently somebody told her the Duchess of Windsor's fabulous $100 million jewellery collection might be up for grabs and she really, really fell for it.
"One born every minute, I guess."