Written by IainB
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Thursday, 14 April 2011

image for Actors to be CRB checked
He looks a bit shady - should he be on the stage with a 14 year old girl?

A new government ruling means that from the first of May, all actors who appear with children on television or in films, will have to undergo a CRB check before being allowed to start filming.

"We're going to have to incorporate it into the casting process," said Romeo Montague, producer of several hit television shows like Casualty and Spooks. "At this moment, I'm not sure how much of an impact it will have."

SHATPU, the Stage Hands, Actors, Thespians and Performers Union, are up in arms over the new legislation.

"Although I have done nothing wrong," said Patrick Stewart, spokesperson for SHATPU, Shakespearean actor, Star Trek god with an egg-shaped head, "I would still be worried about having a CRB check."

Stewart is right to be worried. Some actors entered the acting game because they have a shady past and would be unable to get a non-thespian job. A common problem is drug charges, whilst others have a variety of skeletons in the closet.

"I'm quite worried," said Charlie Sheen, in a rare lucid moment. "Should I ever want to go back to Two and Half Men, I wouldn't be able to."

Emilio Estevez, producer of Two and Half Men, and Charlie's younger brother, doesn't think that particular example will be a problem. "He's never coming back on the show. I hope he rots and dies. Or dies and rots, I don't mind the order. Also, we don't do CRB checks in America. Charlie's a moron."

Charles Richmond-Barnstaple, who founded the CRB check, thinks that the current CRB system could easily be overwhelmed. "Currently, the Criminal Records Bureau can handle about fifteen requests a day. This has been adequate up to now. However, unless it becomes the Centralised Criminal Records Bureau, or CCRB, as I originally requested, there will have to be a separate CRB check every time an actor goes for a new role. This could lead to hundreds of requests a day. Far too many."

Home Secretary, Teresa May (or may not, depending on her mood), is defending the new ruling.
"The CRB system is designed to ensure that people going for jobs with children and vulnerable adults," she said. "Actors work with children all the time, and some of them are shady characters. The industry needs cleaning up."

It is expected that SHATPU will call a general strike, and television will be showing repeats only from June onwards. It is expected nobody will notice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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