Berkshire - The season's first crop circle - depicting Kate as a latter-day Miss Havisham - has appeared just yards from the Middletons' Bucklebury home.
The 100ft diameter etching in a Pratts Bottom rape-seed field shows the desperate royal wannabe as a tragic Dickensian jilted bride.
Locals described the image as 'a cross between a catatonic waxwork and a skeleton with moving, haunted eyes'.
"This is an omen," Bucklebury resident psychic Dorkass (sic) Wolfbane commented on her web blog, "there'll be no Great Expectations for this Hellfire Club-hired minx."
Clarence House plonkers immediately dismissed the crop circle as the work of mischief despite reports Prince William's cold feet have now got icicles attached to them.
"If the royal wedding collapses then so will the Government," a confident Prince Charles toothpaste squeezer told reporters this afternoon.
Nick Clegg's tops the UK Fraud Squad's Most Wanted for a second consecutive year.