In the struggle to have their staff named "most obnoxiously meddling British police department", Police chiefs have resorted to some pretty lowdown tactics. There have been many instances of police being forced to focus their precious time on prosecuting speeding, drinking, smoking and gypsying offences.
But now we bring you news of the latest, most repugnant tactic employed by senior officers trying to climb the greasy poll of public derision: Chief Constable Les Xavier-Weade (head of Shropshire's 14-strong police department) has declared war on the drawing of joints. In his own words, delivered from atop a table in The Fluffy Teeth pub, Telford:
"The Shropshire Police Force will no longer tolerate the crude drawing of cannabis cigarettes - or 'hoochy coochy bimbams' as they are commonly known - on the walls of our county's public conveniences. Nor will we allow our Sixth Form students to freely doodle spliffs - widely called 'wadger buffs' by the youth - on the pages of their maths workbooks. Such crimes are offensive both to the taxpayers and the publicans of this noble county. For when a society treats the simplified representation of joints - or 'fiddly biftas' - on a car park wall as anything less than equivalent to a rapey murder spree, then truly that society is doomed to fall into complete anarchy."
Xavier-Weade was subsequently assisted from his oratory perch and into a chauffeur-driven car waiting outside.
Deputy Chief Constable Sir Peter Mifkin-Mifkin later clarified the force's position on this important matter:
"While I commend the Chief Constable for his drawing of the public's attention to the matter of graphical representations of joints - or 'fippy woowahs' as I am told our children refer to them - I must stress that there are no plans to arrest people who choose to draw these items on maths books, table mats or vegetables, contrary to the earlier statement."