BIRMINGHAM - A teenager - those evil youths - was found to be helping within his community today.
Rob Smith, 15, who is a teenager, and therefore a baby-eating monster - was helping an old lady across the road.
"He came up to me," recalled Daisy Jacks, "he was going to mug me. I knew it. Then he raised my arm, and then he walked with me across the road. The horror! I thought he wanted to make me pay for it, but then he walked away and flashed an evil smile. These youths! Trying to make me safe."
Rob then went on to volunteer for a charity shop, where he threatened customers with feeling good inside if they donate items to his store.
"Oh," said the proprietor of the store. "He wanted to work. I thought that if I said no, he'd send his thuggy friends around. Then he started to make customers feel uncomfortable by pressuring them to put money into the donations pot. I bet you it was for his own good, not for anyone else's."
The youth was safely apprehended by police and sent home. Residents of Birmingham were commending the bravery of the police in handling the case.
"The parents have sent him to his room, where he cannot do unevil evil teen things," said a spokesman for West Midlands Police.
"I don't get what the hubbub is," said Smith, "I'm just bored. And I like helping."