Written by orkney
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Topics: Police, Crime

Sunday, 5 October 2003

image for Yardies Gangs Get Tough Love From Tough Babies

In the never ending fight against the drug trafficking, shootings and general brutalities of Yardie crime gangs, police are now facing the fact that lawful tactics have failed. This has led to the formation of a vigilante gang of tough tattooed infants and toddlers whom are fighting the UK Yardie phenomenon in their own special way, proving that hurt feelings are more effective against Yardies than prison and police.

The new baby gangs, who call themselves the Cribbies (not to be confused with the Los Angeles Crips), have increased in activity after a study into their methods by leading child psychologists revealed that "Jailing and beating on Yardies as the PCs have done has been unsuccessful and only adds to the tough image of such gangs. The ruthless behaviours of this type of criminal have stemmed from an unhappy childhood. They grow up as bullies and progress into violent criminal behaviour.

Violence breeds more violence and that is why police are ineffective in fighting Yardies. After careful examination of the tactics of Cribbies and their success rate, we conclude that hurting the Yardies' feelings is the only successful way of combating their presence."

An officer in the street gave his thoughts, "Well they have to be tough babies seeing as they are battling gangs whose reputations are linked to drugs and arms dealing as well as violence, shootings and gangland-style executions. However I can't say that I approve", remarked a PC who was on patrol in Clapham.

"The Yardies drive top of the range BMWs, and carry automatic guns. Personally, I would much rather deal with toddlers on push bikes armed with duckies if given the choice. Cleaning off crayon graffiti is preferable to cleaning off sprayed paints."

The leader of the Cribbies vigilante gang is 5 year old "Lambykins" who has coached his members by teaching them the taunting methods currently used by Cribby gangs such as "hurling pelters at the bad boys", shoving Yardies into wheelie bins and rolling them around the streets yelling psychologically crippling insults as "Yardie, Farty" and "Piddle piddle your willy is so little", "Poo poo up your choo choo", "Mr Smelly I stole your wellies" , etc. The after effects are immediate with grown Yardies broken down to tears, cowering in alleys and vowing a new crime free life.

"I fink they are just aw' cranky mean bad boys, so we make them cry until it is time for our naps or till they promise no more naughty stuff", said Lambykins who bases his gang headquarters out of Leith , Scotland but claims to have units across all the UK.

The Metropolitan Police in London do not formally acknowledge the existence of Yardie gangs, yet the Met's Operation Trident is widely seen as an effort to combat Yardie crime. "There are indeed Yardies and in terms of a reputation for ruthless violence they could one day rival the Triads or Mafia", admitted a rogue officer of the Met. "These Cribbies are more than welcome to have a go at them, provided they remain within the law".

Further psychological reports give reason to why the baby gang methods are so effective, stating, "Many yardies were bullied as children and grow up to be bullies themselves. They get depressed, lack self-confidence and feel resentful,isolated and ashamed."

‘Honey- Bun', Lambykins right hand gang man, explained why he felt their new tactics work. "We're just showing dem how it feels an' when dey wememba how day felt when dey was babies .They cwy an' go home to be good boys. We are da law now!" Asked how he and his Posse brought control away from Yardies in the Glasgow area, he answered, "It was a doddler.", in his childlike Scots way of speaking with his shiney big eyes.

Cribby members have caused much controversy despite making the streets safer, especially in Glasgow. This is mostly due to the much heated arguments and debates over new giant wheelie bins which enraged residents find to be ugly and take up parking spaces. However, for Cribs, the giant wheelie bins means they can fit several Yardies in at a time to push round and taunt until they break the Yardies' spirit. The smaller wheelie bins in could only fit one or two Yardies at a time.

Opponents of the giant wheelie bins refer to Cribs as nothing but binrakers. However, take away the giant bins and the Cribs would face a major set back. On one single day last week, 40 Yardies were stuffed into the giant bins, rolled around and publicly taunted until they went home and vowed never to return to a life of crime. Quite a success for the toddlers.

In Marchmont, Deputy Chief Constable T. Nippulhed was headbutted by an outraged citizen during a public meeting over the giant wheelie bins, (the most effective weapon the baby gangs have), which hold much more rubbish (and Yardies), than the traditional models. Several anti -wheelie protesters attended.

Police are understood to be probing possible links with Yardie crime gangs. Constable Nippulhed was heard to say "I was head butted by an anti-wheelie! These baby gangs may be trouble but they'd never reach above my knee."

Also causing controversy is the growing conflicts of babies with police constables, calling PCs "Nipple heads", drooling on them and relentlessly snuggling their legs when they become sleepy. This is causing resentment from many PCs.

Several minor offences have been committed by Cribbies as of late, leaving one to wonder if they have gone power mad. A spokesman for Lothian and Borders Police said that at a recent court appearance of Cribbies in Edinburgh's Sheriff's Court, disrespect for the law was made clear as the baby gangsters entered, bouncing ballies, carrying musical potties that blasted rap music with some wearing their jim-jammies as it was nearing their bedtime. When, during questioning, Cribby members were put in booster seats they cried out "goo goo, yo yo yo, mon ,whaddup?? " in their pre-gangster slang, flashed their gang signs and engaging in member only handshakes of patty cakes and generally causing constant disruptions. Others just laid on the floor, sleepy eyed, sucking the teats of their milk bottles, belching and spitting up. It was concluded by the court that the Cribbies are nothing but colicky sprogs on the road to becoming dangerous gangsters, but too cute to prosecute. That is until their little bald heads grow enough hair for dreadlocks.

Most punishments enforced were early beddy bye times and no visits to the zoo for a month.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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