LONDON - Less than one month ago Kate Middleton expressed to one of her closet friends Winnie Figgyfurst, 36, that she was starting to have second thoughts about the Royal Wedding.
Figgyfurst confided to Ta Ta For Now News that Kate had literally turned into a basketball-sized bundle of nerves.
She said that she was afraid that she would not measure up to what her future grandmother-in-law expected of her.
Kate had been especially hurt when she had read in The Tickety Boo News that the Queen had told her husband Prince Philip that Middleton was wearing way too much makeup and at times her false eyelashes rivaled those of Amy Winehouse.
Queen Elizabeth had even publicly criticized Kate for not being as good a curtsier as she should be. QE told her grandson that he had better start seeing to it that his future wife starts getting with the Royal program or else she is going to embarrass the Royal family as much as that red-headed 'Duchess of Pork' Fergie had done.
William reportedly promised his granny that he would have a long talk with Kate and see to it that she cut in and did not dare do anything common that would embarrass the Royalty.
Queen Elizabeth recently learned from a report that was put out by The Bees Knees News Agency that the word on the streets of London was that Kate Middleton had been given a 'Sexual Aid' toy by one of her girlfriends.
The Queen immediately called up William and told him that she wanted the name of the female friend who had presented his wife-to-be with such a monumentally disgraceful item that was first brought to the shores of Merry Olde England by Danish sailors back in the 1960s.
When William confronted Kate about the so called 'Sexual Aid' she denied it and remarked that she was shocked by the allegations. She insisted that the only thing that her girlfriend, identified as Loretta Lucinda Fiddlewater of Pimlico, had given her was a Girls Aloud CD.
And so with the big day just three weeks away Kate Middleton is still having second thoughts about the Royal Wedding which is scheduled to take place on April 29.
The Tickety Boo News Agency reported that Sarah Palin recently invited Kate to visit her in Alaska. "Snowflake" Palin told her that she really needs to get away from all of the stuffiness of the Royal Wedding hullabaloo and help take her mind off things by shooting a four-legged creature like a caribou, moose, or reindeer.