London - "We've been as busy as Beachy Head at Christmas," a Royal Parks Agency police diver commented this afternoon, "what with so many royal wedding invite disappointees looking for a landmark Central London site.
"Of course, the Diana Fountain is a lot less messy than, say, Archway Bridge or the front carriage of a Jubilee Line train.
"Personally I blame the Tories - er...unseasonal rise in outdoor temperatures!"
Reports that the Diana water feature's first floater of the month was earlier mistaken for a 'Nessie' type creature saw the Bomb Squad arrive armed with specialist harpooning equipment.
Grappling hooks soon brought the unidentified male corpse ashore ahead of a pathology exam by the Met's Tattoo Identification Directorate.
Admittance to the 29 April Westmonster Abbey nuptial ceremony is via tattoo recognition scanner only.
Nick Clegg's Skull 'N' Crossbones earlobe tatts may be 'infected' by a Troian virus.