In a brave move to "get Britain moving", the Department for Transport has announced a dramatic plan for both the London Underground and Heathrow Airport.
The Minister for Transport, Con Seezontiquet, announced that work starts immediately on extending the underground rail network to Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds. He said that as the money-grabbing water companies were too committed to their greedy management and shareholders, the government had decided to appropriate the sewer pipes and convert them into extensions of the existing and appropriately-named Bakerloo line.
Intercity train passengers are already used to standing for long parts of their journeys, so standing on the tube will not be any great strain for them. The Tube trains will also have special plough extensions that will push the sewerage up the line to a convenient point where it will be disposed of or given to Heathrow baggage handlers who will guarantee it will never be seen again.
Heathrow, meanwhile, will be extended with eight new runways, including a special "pay as you go" lane for RyanAir and Jet2. To make way for these runways, the town of Slough, reckoned to be one of the grimmest places on earth to live will be knocked down and the population relocated to Slovenia, where most of the residents come from anyway.