London - The mile-long turd flotilla will lead the procession commemorating the Rowlingesque fairy tale of the Queen's 60-year reign.
The waterborne pageant announced today will be headed by a carnival float of Euro-septic tank pathogens including Amoebiasis, oral Cryptosporidiosis, Botulism and Cholera.
Dead fish**, rats, household pets and farmyard animals will not be excluded from the June 1012 extravaganza.
Floaters from the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain will follow on in a strict line of precedence that will see the Queen Mother's own shitty bequest to the nation bringing up the rear.
Royal Jubilee organisers said today the river spectacular will start upstream from Thames Water's Reading Sewage Treatment Works and will follow the outgoing tide toward the Beckton Gateway de-sal plant.
A four-day Diamond Jubilee bank holiday means that residents along the river from its source on the Oxfordshire/Berkshire border all the way through to the estuary will be treated to a first-hand experience of the pageantry.
** Princess Michael of Kent may deputise in the event that trophy items - such as decomposing beavers or other river fauna - fail to live up to the mark.