Police will throw an unprecedented ring of steel around the upcoming Royal Wedding Roadshow with all guests having to go through no fewer than nine separate security checks including five internal body checks.
Amid fears the April 29th farce could be targeted by dissident Irish Republicans (if the Guinness runs out early), Al and the Qaeda gang, HAMAS, the PLO, Anarchists-R-Us, The UK Communist(?)Party, Fathers For Justice, Orange Volunteers, Ban Fox Hunting Groups, Save public service Jobs,Save the Whales (sic), Ban the bomb, Students and other assorted punters with an agenda,anti-terrorist chiefs are soiling their kecks by the minute!
VIPs from across the globe will be asked to arrive three days before the wedding at Westminster Abbey and the checks they face will include three at gunpoint, unless they pay a non-refundable deposit. They will also be briefed on what to do if the shit-hits-the-fan Mumbai-style........run like feck or bend over and kiss your arse goodbye!
Royal Household officials have divided the 1,900 guests into small groups that will meet at 8am at Premier Inns scattered around London then assemble in Trafalgar Square for a briefing on how to behave by Lenny Henry.
Mobile phones and cameras are a no-no, guests will have to deposit them in a large yellow bucket held by Terry Wogan and Fearne Cotton then sign paperwork allowing both anal and vaginal searches prior to entry into the Abbey before being herded onto a fleet of Arriva number 29 buses manned by SAS operatives disguised as Nigerian bus conductors.Traffic allowing they will arrive at the Abbey by 11am for the service but not before showing their respective Travelcards, Oysters or OAP passes, failure to do so will mean a fine and possible criminal record if prosecuted by Transport for London!
Anyone using a hearing aid or other medical device, such as a Truss, will be automatically garrotted by members of the 3rd Battalion Fifth Marines and disposed of discretely in a black bin liner for fear of hidden explosives.
Among the more notable guests, Sir Elton John, Dave and Vicky Beckham, Kerry Katona, Jordan and Stacy Soloman will have to travel to the Abbey by Victoria Line underground from Walthamstow as never-ending weekend engineering works will be taking place across the rest of the London Underground and they forgot to book a bus seat.
Needless to say, such unprecedented arrangements require unprecedented support as existing Police and Armed Forces cutbacks have rendered anti-terror Chiefs woefully short of operatives. To this end TV personalities Phillip Schofield and Hollow Willoughby have been drafted in to assist. Thus, 'in no particular order' they will be taking charge of, Cubs, Brownies, Scouts, Sea Cadets and the WRVS who will assist in crowd control and tea/coffee making along the Royal Route, each armed with a Glock pistol in case of rioting.
Meanwhile, numerous job agencies have been recruiting Eastern European staff on temporary contracts to handle the 'pat downs' and internal security checks on the 1,900 guests. Each will be issued a box of rubber gloves, courtesy of Poundland and will be subject to a waiver regarding the non-selling of used rubber gloves on Ebay, especially those used for internal checking.
Understandably, both Sir Elton John and George Michael-firm favourites with the young Royals-have been given the OK to be examined by a couple of bisexual Poles in a private cubicle each. Both Kerry Katona and Jordan have been pre-warned that once fully checked, both inside and out, they are NOT allowed to keep going out and 'coming' back in during the service in order to get seconds or even third internal checks!
Prince Philip is 99 and still sexually active.